Quick, the landlord is coming

Urgh, I have to tidy my room. I am 36 and I have to tidy my room. This is one of the downfalls of renting; I have a visit from the people who gleefully milk me for £650 a month, wanting to snoop round my house to see if I am keeping it in a good state. The last time they were here, I actually got a letter after, pretty much patting me on the head and saying "good boooooooooooy" much like you would a labrador who shat in the garden instead of in your slippers. I may suggest visiting the house of whoever comes here Thursday and passing judgment on their standard of hygiene. One main reason for their repeat visits however, is the "gentleman" upstairs who by all accounts lives in an indoor rubbish tip. In the Summer, the smell of upstairs is picked up by dogs as far away as Aberdeen, his house hums so much - on some days, his living room and kitchen are in harmony. The man himself is best described as a lumbering greasy lump. Despite obvious intelligence (he has a job which requires lots of grey matter), he clearly has no friends or social acumen, which is a shame really. Makes me feel lucky. Ok, I may not be the tastiest chocolate in the box, but I am loved and have a great selection of friends. This last point was never more evident than the weekend just gone when I made the epic journey to Herts to see some buddies of mine. Lots of booze, great food, a thousand and thirty laughs, pretty much the perfect weekend. Friends are awesome. They wouldn't come over if my house smelled like his upstairs. He eats kebabs nearly every night you know. Smelly.

always look on the bright side of life

I have decided that you make your own luck in life. Well, I say decided, I heard it on the radio. The couple (of ESTATE AGENTS I hasten to add) who won £56 million were the subject of a lot of discussion this week. I caught a psychologist explaining how opening yourself up to more opportunity increases your chances of being "lucky". The more chances you take, the more you are likely to gain. The more positive you are in your outlook, the more you attract people to you, increase your sphere of influence, therefore opening up more avenues, more opportunities. I am of course writing this in the company of no one whatsoever, on my own, influencing nobody. I did though have a stroke of "luck" the other day which went thus. I pulled into a petrol station because the dreaded needle was pointing dejectedly to empty. I parked alongside pump number 5. Having just listened to the discussion on luck (on 5Live), and having bought petrol from pump 5, I asked for a number 5 scratchcard when I paid. Know what? I won 5 pounds. Isn't the universe a wonderful place?

Now on to a rather unhappy subject; sharing your living space. I let a friend of mine move in with me a while back, mutually convenient as our allowances were stretching nowhere near far enough. All was initially rosy (well, rosy-ish). Now, the only flower I could compare it with is a dog piss soaked dandelion. One with half of it's yellow adornment missing. I have learnt a lot more about said person since he moved in over 6 months than I did in the previous 8 years. In the last few weeks he has put a pizza in the oven and gone to bed, careered around the living room, drunk and naked at 5.30 on a Tuesday night (think about it - the time is relevant - it was a bloody school night), blocked the sink (with God only knows what), broken my curtain rail....oh the list could go on longer than Coronation Street. It's a shame, I can't see it ending any other way than acrimoniously. It doesn't feel like my house any more. Still, on the positive side (see - see what I did there), I spend a lot more time on my own in my room rocking back and forth which provides me with ample time to write for my deserving audience (all 4 of you).

Ah well, my time will come, (I've ordered a watch).

Good lord......

...has it really been a week since I last put digit to key? I am sorry for having neglected you so. It snowed a lot here today, but thanks to bloody technology I was able to work from home. Thanks Mr Babbage. Your fault.

Being on one's own so much, often leads to random tangents of thinking. Thoughts occur which would, if in company, remain locked firmly in their cranial bastille, never to see the light of day. Irrelevant flights of fancy or absurd questions. Why for example, are black farmers so rare in this country? Think about it - have you ever seen one? I just wondered. When did shoes go from reasonably priced to REALLY expensive, for even a basic shoe? Why is it that when my freeview channels are merrily playing up and presenting me with nothing more than a mosaic of pixels and a sound a little like a robot with hiccups, the only channels untouched by this technical hitch are the b*stard shopping channels!? "Next on MoreMoneyThanSense, we have this cubic zirconium studded collection of goat jackets. They are an absolute must have for the Nanny or Kid in your life, the phones are literally ringing off the hook - oh I do believe the buyers are bleating down the door for this one - all at £299.99 plus £99 p+p, You would be a real silly billy to miss it...."

There's another question - who applies to be a host on those things? Whose AMBITION is it, to plead at the camera for those who are clearly a leftback short of an England squad, to spend their dole on a cushion with a wolf's face on it? I bet their Mothers are really proud. "Nice day at work darling?" "Yes, I sold 350 Winnie the Pooh cricket bats at £30 each to people who can't afford to eat or dress their children. I think a bit of my soul died". "Well, as long as you're happy dear".

Then I started thinking about Valentine's Day and how far I am away from the one I love (my girlfriend lives in the States), this made me sad, then angry, then sad, then a bit peckish, so I had some Thai Style crackers. What I am trying to say in my hideously hotch potch way is, if you have a loved one, be thankful that they are around rather than resentful that they are there for any reason. Ok, they may have spilt coffee on your extremely rare 1st edition of Harry Potter and the Stretched Plot. They may well have left a sink full of whiskers after having shaved with your razor. They may well be watching something that you don't like, or that you do like but you fancy a bit of rudeness but he/she is tired. Move on. They are there and they love you. Be thankful.

Well. I have gone on far too long. Cheerio for now.

It has been a while

...and so I thought I would say hello. Hello. Pondering whether or not I can be bothered to cook dinner or whether it may be a takeaway night. I am rather leaning towards the tempting takeaway, though my stupendous gut is saying "no........no more glutens and fat and things, have pity". I though am laughing at my gut and saying "are you going to cook? Hmmmm?" and that is keeping it quiet.

I wonder what is on telly tonight. Wait there a minute, I am going to look.............yep, dick all. Apart from maybe Mock the Week which is funny, the TV tonight looks as entertaining as slippers. For the love of God, there is a programme tonight on freeview channel FIVER (clearly the annual budget for programme making) called "The Boy With A New Head". Really? People want to see this? What next? The girl with concrete eyes? The twins with 40 nipples? The amazing cow-man of Canada? The boy with egg brains? It's ridiculous. It must be someone's job to find these poor people. Then what - offer them £50 to make a freak show out of their life stunting disability? "It's ok, we will be really sensitive" they said to the boy with a new head - what's the betting the adverts will be for hats, Mr Potato Head, shampoo and DVDs of Worzel Gummidge.

Something beyond spooky happened to me today - and I mean ridiculously beyond coincidence. My mother phoned me to say I had a letter from the dentist whingeing that I was overdue for a check up. I told her off for phoning me at work with such trivialities and literally ten minutes later, a toffee I was chewing took out the biggest filling in my mouth. All of it. About half a tooth's worth!! I now have an appointment next Friday. Write about that Alannis Morisette!